They Wanted Me To Be The Dream

Ok so I don't normaly post straight foward blogs about this stuff but because I'm so upset I think I just will. I'll try to make this short.

You may have heard me talk about a guy I call 'D' well he's kinda the one who 'discovered' me I guess you could say. He found me early on as a bassist and I've traveled through all my music so far with him. At the end of the year I have to say goodbye to him, Words cannot explain the pain. He used to care so much, and after today, I just feel as if he doesn't care anymore at all. We have a production coming up and so we had a dress rehersal today. Everything was fine until we rehersed. And now I don't wanna do music anymore.

Recently someone close just passed away. She was very sick and began to get weaker and weaker as days passed. I wasn't that close to her personaly but I have memories of visiting her and her husband (who passed away last year) as a little child. It hasn't really effected me much up until now but the fact that I'll be spending time in yet another funeral home puts a damper on things.

I'm also beginning to remember things about my childhood that I'd rather just forget and leave dead. I found a toy I used to take every time I went to hospital. Once upon a time Starship Hospital was like my second home. I remember always being there, always having doctors poking arround at me. And the gas mask before the opperation.

I'm getting anxiac about stuff again and I just can't seem to be happy. Even as much as I force myself to I can't. I know that one day I will be, but right now... I'd rather just disappear and never come back.

And I just found out that Dave has left False Start.
Right now I wish everything would just stop. I wish the world could just stop spinning and that I could catch up. But it won't. And I won't. And I'll survive. But will I?

Rescue me.

so I'm gonna start this project.

And what I'm gonna do, is post a photo every day in December describing either the day, or feelings or whatever, but first I want you to tell me what you think of the idea...?

There'll be some pretty personal stuff that I'm willing to share in it, some other shit and some other shit lol. So yes? Or nah?
Idk... I wanna do it cos I think it's gonna help... but yeah...

Oh and while I'm here, from the first of December I am going to return to buzznet completly and start commenting people's stuff again and leaving proper notes that arn't just 'sup' 'hi how are you' because I'm sick of feeling selfish... lolol.
And although I say that December is a busy month so I'll do as much as I can :)

oh and congrats to Gerard and Lindsey!

That might be because I don’t like my last name of maybe I just feel like being different, I can’t really decide.

I live for my bass and seeing my band mates and friends every day. I really love art especially sketching and painting. Photography and poetry are two of my favorite things ever. Best part of life is playing music. Worst part of life is probably grocery shopping.

I like winter, definitely not a fan of melting in the summer heat but BBQ’s are always good. I love parties’ especially random parties thrown for no reason. Going to gigs and concerts is more of a hobby to me.

‘Emo.’ ‘Scene.’ Call me what you like, I’m not gonna change. Stereotyping is pathetic. Let people be who they are.

Homophobia is gay and pointless. Let people love who they want too.

I laugh A LOT and crack jokes about everything.

I love following people if they know what they’re doing, if they don’t I’ll give up or join some other cause.

You’ll most likely find me in front of the computer or taking photos if I’m not drawing, writing poetry or in a band practice.

Best thing that has ever happened to me was meeting Mr. Merrill and Mrs. Chan, I think they are two of the most amazing people in the whole world and they both inspire me so much.

Worst thing to ever happen to me was probably when I cried because couldn’t be at an orchestra festival cos I was at Mt Ruapehu on a camp.

I was always the different one. Singled out from everyone else. Don’t ask why, I have no idea.

Don’t try to change me, you will fail.

Air guitaring is probably the coolest thing to have ever appealed to me.

Personally I recon there should be more happy tiny teddies in the box over grumpy ones. It’d make the world a happier place.

I think the Sims is the best computer game ever. Reason I love it is because I can make people have as fucked up lives as my own! Aha!

I’m more of an indoors person, sport isn’t that appealing to me but outside music festivals are always good!

Swearing… it runs in the family.

I spend a lot of time listening to music and getting into new bands especially NZ bands. Best live bands I’ve seen are defo the Smashing Pumpkins, My Chemical Romance, Queens of the Stone Age, False Start and Addison.

You will most likely find me drinking red bull over anything else and don’t bother calling my home in the weekend… I won’t be there!

I’d really love to go to New York or Tokyo but my new fascination is London. I would love to go on a bender in London it’d be cool as. Come party, bring fun.

Peace and love

KTF. –Keep The Faith.       

.Ashleigh Lauren.

Eyes shine over those hot stage lights,

I told you we’d be good tonight,

In her favor, it’s alright,

Go home to her; she’ll need you tonight,

Judging, I don’t know what happened,

Tell me I’d love to know her flaws,

You call me from across the hall,

Don’t see me listening in,

You told me that they laughed at us,

I looked at them, a lack of trust,

Energy yes I know I must,

But stay forever, not just lust,

I look at you, you look at me,

We know that we were meant to be,

And all those ups and all those downs,

This family now that we have found,

All of those mistakes we made,

Our songs that sound it will not fade,

All those glowing lights they shine so bright,

Just like this star on your best nights,

So now its home, to her I suppose,

Just go, don’t wait, results will come,

She’ll be asleep when I have won,

And so I’ll have my way with you,

You know I will, no love, no truth,

And I’ll be bitter,

I don’t care,

You’ll still be there cos you can’t leave me,

I know you can’t, but don’t know why,

So go home now,

I dare you too.

<3 this poem =)

1st, it's about... rock'n'roll. and how women are treated.

i guess it's my way of saying i'll be bitter about that stuff and alot of other things.

2nd, it's about being in a band. it's about being in a band and feeling the force of being able to express yourself infront of them.

3rd, it's actually about something very real happening to me right now. every single line in this is a description of a few people's lives and how they are effecting mine right now.

4th, it's about the battle of the bands comp i recently played at. actually... every single line in this poem is also about that night. even...  'Don’t see me listening in' cos i was ears dropping. and...   'I look at you, you look at me,

We know that we were meant to be,' when i looked at our singer Tayne. To me it's a description of things happening in the world right now. And i guess the bottom line is that they all have a simple resolution.

So it was just brought to my attention whilst watching TV that these 2 sogns actually sond REALLY alike... Marilyn Manson - Personal Jesus and Jamelia - Beware Of The Dog.

Now... will someone do me a favour and tell me that I'm not going crazy and that the guitar parts are actually fucking similar... even the change in it 20 seconds in on Beware Of The Dog and 40 seconds is on Personal Jesus. AND how he sais "reach out and touch faith" and she goes "reach out and touch me" it's insane, seriously... they sound so fucking alike.

Personal Jesus - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JFyIaybXbU
Beware Of The Dog - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TnxQDrdIV2Q

p.s personal jesus is defo my fave manson song too.

 Ok, this is kinda my little… I guess you could say ‘re-write’ of Every Me and Every You by Placebo… but it’s not. That was just the song I was thinking about while writing this so it kinda turned out to be in that tune if you were to sing the poem. Anyway this means a fucking lot to me so if you’re reading this, thank you!

Too Much Poison Come Undone

Fucked up and wealthy to impress,

I never knew this was my best,

And all that changes on inside,

Is what I see not what I find,

When there’s nothing else to do,

With her, him, me, and you.

Smudging make-up in the mirror,

On the pillow, on the floor,

Standing, sitting, screaming shouting,

Your voice is pretty,

You want more,

And when there’s nothing left to do,

Always be me, no longer you.

Shake a weapon to her head,

No need to kill,

She’s already dead,

The dancers prance,

The singer’s movements,

Hide a kiss,

Steal the mood.

When there’s no one else to choose.

They’ll be me and they’ll be you.

Fires blazing,

Lights blow out,

Half way done put me in the mood,

I cannot find the thoughts that moved,

And when I leave don’t tell me sorry,

Don’t kiss my head don’t make me worry,

One more time, come as you do,

Come for me, not just for you.

Come undone you’ll find me weeping across the floor,

Sings, I’m in the room.

Singing songs are for the dead,

Put more bad thoughts into my head.

One more day I wish were 2.

Then no more me…

And no more you.

[[our manager is obsessed with that ^]]
Wednesday night I went to a Battle Of The Bands Competition with my band SKATD.
We came 3rd which wasn't enough to get us into the final BUT I won an award on the night for BEST BASSIST! So that's cool. :) that was the best part of the night really.

                         Our drummer Keegan also got mentioned as second best drummer of the night! (I recon he should have won though!)                        

Today we had a band meeting with Godfrey...                   
...that went well. It was the last time he was with us though. :( Just talked about what we did and didn't do and our upcoming preformences and things. I also found out a peice of information that I shouldn't know hahaha.
And then our band manager (lolol wtf) brought me some tiny teddys cos I asked for them haha!

Next week some kids from my school are on a camp so I won't see them for a week. And the week after that we some other people are on camp. And then the next Thursday after we have a few dress rehersals and things then the first week of December we get straight back into preforming 2-3 nights in a row again! yay!

Godfrey is currently playing with Elemeno P and will hopefully be getting them to come to one of our preformences in early December! How cool is that! (he's also working on some VIP passes to Christmas In The Park for me seeing as Elemeno P will be playing there too!) hahaha. Random I know.

Anyway, hope you all had a good week and I'll post pics from Wednesday night if I can get my hands on them. Hopefully I will but I can't gaurentee anything which is a bummer :(

Have a good weeked!

xo Ash

p.s who (from NZ) is going to The Edge Summer Jam to see The Veronicas and Metro Station!?!?!? I'm so there!!! Can't wait!

And so I was out for a walk today, and I realized something. I realized that you can’t just give up. Sure, the world is a fucking fucked up place, and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of having no money, of going to school, of people planning things and then not carrying them out, of pressure… and the list goes on. But shit, you can’t just give up. Even when everything you once had is no longer there. If every single thing you have in your life has come and gone. If you feel like you’ve lost everything and everyone. You just can’t give up.

Because today I realized something. I was thinking about my favorite things that have happened to me this year. The best things that have happened to me. And a couple of those things were…

a) Meeting my band mates.

And b) buying through the looking glass by false start. (yes im serious)

Then I thought about the shit things, crying all the time, wasting too much time being depressed about things, loosing our drummer, being stuck in detention for what felt like forever…

And then I thought about all the suttle things that happened this year. And the first thing that came to my mind was this little bit of time. It was about 10-20 minutes and it was the night of my new bands first performance together, I was also modeling that night and doing a few other things. And before the night started, I sat on a chair, in the hall with only one other person in the room (who is amazing xD) and he’s our manager guy and he was setting up speakers and lights and shit and what I remember, is just sitting there, watching him and listening to John Mayer. I know right… what the fuck. I don’t even fucking like John Mayer hahaha. But that was what came to my mind. And it was a good moment, because it was like… the only moment this year that I actually sat down and thought properly about things.

And so… everyone has memories. Good, bad, and really, really shit. But just because of something that happened in the past, you can’t let it effect your future.

Over the past week I’ve realized something, and that’s that you just can’t give up. It gets better. It’s life. And you have to live it. In the last 8 days I’ve lost my drummer, I’ve cried numerous amounts of times, I’ve been to work and made some money, I brought a false start bag and chatted to them and I also realized something… friends aren’t the people you see every day. Who you eat lunch with, who you go to the movies with… real friends are people who listen. And people who give you feedback not just what you want to hear.

I know that sometimes you might feel like killing yourself just to make everyone else pay. Because I feel like that all the time. That’s honestly the main reason I want to commit suicide. But then I think… that there’s better ways of making people pay. If pay back to someone makes you feel good, then hurting yourself to make yourself feel good and make people pay is just not right.

But now I’ve actually realized that good things have happened this year amongst the bad. And the bad is actually just forgotten. Because right now, I do feel like there’s nothing to look forward too, and like I’m going to loose everyone and everything I have, but others will come. And go. And you’ll find someone special and then have to leave them… or they’ll have to leave you. And I know how that feels. But it will get better. Dreams are free, and so is going for them. Just don’t give up.

And so the real truth is,

That I’m waiting for the call,

For the fall to say we’re doomed,

Haven’t slept I haven’t eaten,

Now it’s all starting to fall apart.

Again.

So I sit here only waiting,

You punched him but you punched us all at the same time,

Now I don’t think I can do this anymore,

You told my friends that she was shit,

I’ll give you shit, oh just you wait and take the hit,

From me to you.

This is so true,

I’d’ve fallen for you,

But not anymore,

I’m sick and tired, ready to fail,

Recording music, recording shit,

That’s all it is now since you turned this on us,

He doesn’t need you nor do I,

Right now I don’t know where to find the truth,

You were a friend and so was he,

He was until he lied to me,

And so were you,

You were until I saw your truth,

You and me said we'd beat them all,

We as a team would smash this wall,

But now, oh I don't think we can,

No I don't think you know what we mean anymore,

And oh we're trying so hard to keep this together,

Sure we've had our ups and downs but now you've gone and blown it all,

This family already at breaking point,

You've pushed us all over the edge,

So get fucked we don’t want you now,

Of all these things that I have found,

And so I’m still sitting here waiting,

For the comfort to call,

To tell me it will be ok and you didn’t even touch him at all,

But you did,

You fucking killed him and you murdered us all at the same time,

How could you?

So I’ll just wait a little longer,

And this anger just gets stronger,

All I’m waiting on is the truth,

I’m waiting for the call,

Fear.

I know I’m only gonna fall.

so as i was saying... the world is a fucked up place. and it never gets any better like they say it will. it just keeps getting worse. and worse. and nothing can fix it.

The alarm clock buzzed. Thursday morning. A new place, a new start… or was it still the temporary life she’d been living in?

A knock at the door made her jump just as she was dozing back into sleep. “Alice?” he asked softly yet enough to be heard through the door.

“Hey… come in if you want.” She replied not expecting him too. He did.

“How you feeling?” he asked.

“I’m ok… I’m still kinda hyped from last night.” She said realizing the make-up smudged all over her face. Alice looked up at him. It took everything out of her to tell him. Every little bit of strength she had left in her is what it took to tell him… about the bruises from her past, and the scars she would have to carry into the future with her. He made sure in telling her she wouldn’t have too. But all along she knew that one way or another speaking to her mom would be the only option in the end. Unless she ran forever. But where would she go?

The pair jumped in the car. “You sure you wanna go to school today?” he asked making sure before he turned the car on. She looked at him surprised at his question. “I have a choice?”

“Well… I can’t exactly make your mind up for you can I… but I mean, it’s simple really. Rest up which I know you hate doing… or keep going and wait till you have more time.” Alice wasn’t awake enough to really understand his metaphor but she nodded and agreed to go to school anyway.

The path leading in didn’t feel the same this time. The school felt different but she wasn’t sure if it were a good way or bad. Andrew left her at the fork in the path watching her head up to her class. Alice changed into P.E gear for fitness. Only a couple of her class mates were in school at this time. She took to her desk as more kids arrived. The paper she’d written a note on a few days ago still scrunched in the corner. The suicide note in the rubbish pile now.

The whole day she kept having these flashbacks flash through her mind. Him hitting her. The fights with her mother, the cutting, the notes, the art. The pills she’d tried to kill herself on but didn’t succeed. Her list of quick ways to kill yourself and even the poem. Everything… until a lyric… ‘For every chemical you trade a piece of your soul with no return and who you think you know doesn’t know you at all.’

For every chemical you trade a piece of your soul with no return.

She sprinted out of the room, out of social studies with no questions and ran to the class Andrew was currently in. “I need to tell you something…” she said. “I missed a part of my story…”

i've been away for a bit...
arround the place,.. working on some very "SERIOUS" band shit XD

well today i am just angry,
at the world.
just cos i can be.
and i am,
and i'm REALLY, REALLY pissed off.

personal note: i have the best music teacher ever! ah thank you miss you're amazing! Kick Keegan's fucking ass! agh. Keegan i fucking hate you. Taine we love you and Keegan can just go to hell. Daniel you are actually fucking amazing. Reuben I'm glad you agree with me and Sam, we will always be best band buddies :) and to 'snailord' (a.k.a daniel) you can't fix my shit this time...

so since i actually realized that the world is full of shit... i'm gonna come back and talk to everyone again.
so. yeah, how is everyone? hope you had a better day than i.

Ok guys this is really important to me... if you play guitar and have tabbed or you have a guitar tab for 'The Night' by Goodnight Nurse. Would you be so kind in lending it too me???

Thing is that my band are covering that song,,, and we are entering a band competition and we can't decide on our second song to enter with... I and our guitarist Sam want to do The Night but right now it's up against Maybe by Opshop!!! GRRR!!!

I don't think the guitar parts that we're currently playing are correct though so if anyone knows anything or could help me in any way at all I would be very greatfull!!!

Please help me out and keep me on your side!!!

Ash
xo

ok so I've actually kinda lost my camera hahaha! i thought i'd left it in the car but it's not there so um yeah. i think that's a good thing thought because now i'll pretty much get a new one! yay! excuse! hahaha.

and i'm also very addicted to ratemyteacher.com and myspace hahaha. yeah so if you live in nz go visit ratemyteacher.com and if you have myspace,.. add me! link's on my page :)

Chapter 2: running is the answer when help is not a word

“You just gotta get your stage groove,” he told Kieran that night.

“Andrew…” she whispered. He turned to see Alice standing in the doorway between the stage and the floor.

“You ok?” he asked, completely dropping his subject with Kieran.

“Dude!”

“Sorry Kieran… um yeah hey don’t worry it’s gonna be a good show ok.” He said and took off up the stairs to the stage where a couple of people were shifting amps and such. Alice appeared up the stairs of the other side.

“I hate school function things…” she sighed taking a seat on her bass amp and playing with the dynamics buttons. Andrew stood watching her whist the others left the stage. The music currently playing to welcome everybody in was shit. But she knew as soon as the first few performances took to the stage no one would really bother thinking anymore.

Her headmasters stood at the back of the hall, the best she’d ever seen them wear. Alice on the other hand was in a Smashing Pumpkins top and red skinny jeans soon would have to change into proper school uniform for orchestra and then change back for band again. Something she hated was changing. The changing rooms had signs indicating who went to where but did anyone bother to read them… nope.

 They sat in silence taking in the adrenalin for a moment. She tried humming Disenchanted to herself for a minute; it took away the knot in her stomach for sure but soon tied up again when Andrew sat beside her.

“Help me…” she whispered. The faintest sound he almost couldn’t hear her. It was only moments later that her eyes were teary again.

“I’ve done this so many times… I don’t want to do it again. Please.” She begged. He looked at her, again with hardly any light seeping through the cracks in the doors.

“I will… you know I was gonna say before that-” he began before being interrupted by a stage door opening. Kieran stood in the doorway.

“Hey um… Alice you have 10 minutes,” he said. She nodded as he closed the door.

“I guess um… I guess it’ll have to wait. Again.” She told Andrew, standing up and making her way down the flight of stairs.

Alice’s stomach turned the whole night. She was glad to be on her own, on her own with her band. The only family she had left. Her friends out somewhere in the crowd watching. And then the complete jerks who were watching too. The bruising under her shirt, and the lacerations up her left arm. All were of importance but nothing big enough to keep her from playing.

***FLASHBACK***

“How… how do you break both of your arms?” Andrew asked quietly as Emma disappeared up the street in search of her mom.

Alice smiled. “She um… fell off a playground… yeah she was swinging on the bar thing and then-” She paused as Emma made her way back over to her friend. “Um yeah so uh… that’s it really.” Alice finished almost as a cover up.

The first time in a while she’d spoken to Andrew. She always seemed to try to ignore him after school was out, maybe because she was alone and found it hard telling him things even though he was the one person she could tell before anyone else.

He stood right in front of her. An angle she’d never seen him of before.

“Oh there’s mom bye!” Emma called as Alice waved finishing a piece of chocolate. Their previous conversation about why they didn’t catch the school bus home anymore… real reason. Cool people were trouble.

“So… why don’t you catch the bus anymore?” Andrew asked Alice about to go back inside.

“Oh I just… I don’t like it.” She replied not really in the mood to go into much detail.

“Hmmm ok so where do you go now?” he asked again. She was taken by surprise to the fact that he was taking much interest in how she traveled home from school. But she was glad… not even her mother had bothered to ask why she no longer wanted to take the bus.

“Oh I walk home now.” Alice said. Andrew nodded and waved goodbye stopping in his tracks to watch a boy stumbling over the road. He pulled a frown at him, the boy didn’t look up. Alice began to laugh. “I think he’s drunk.” She laughed. Andrew smiled at her and waved again this time not stopping.

She had a theory on why he could take so much interest. A week before she had seen him staring at her arms in band practice. She knew he knew something wasn’t right but was too polite to say anything. The week before that she’d picked a vibe that he wasn’t very happy with her, it upset her much but in the end she did what he asked of her and all turned to good. She was more than sure he’d said something to her music teacher. That same afternoon in orchestra practice her music teacher had asked if she were ok a few times and helped her. Alice never received help much in music classes. The class soon finished and the teacher told Alice to take a nice rest. It swirled in her head as to what she actually meant then that night after thinking for a while the puzzle connected. Andrew’s said something to her. What exactly did he say?

***END FLASHBACK***

“Alice…” he called at her from the floor. She smiled and looked away. The cameras flashed out of time with the lights. The music ripped through her like the carpet knife through her arm. The amazing feeling. It felt good to do something for herself… let some emotions out. Let it all go… everything. Nothing to cry along too anymore. No anthem to sing the words to… just make them up as you go. But what were the right words to sing? Were they the last piece of the puzzle? Or something she hadn’t discovered yet at all?

Chapter 1: Like Poison

“Aw that’s cool; I wish I had a dad.” She said to her drummer.

“You’ve got a step father… he’s moving in.” a voice from the floor interrupted.

Awkward silence came over the group.

“What?” she spat.

“Yeah this afternoon.”

“You can’t do that…”

“Yes I can.”

“No. FUCKING NO!”

“Alice…”

“No…”

“Yes…”

“NO!”

“Why not…?”

“Because… because… because he hit me.”

“He wouldn’t do that.”

“Oh really? Ok then…” she lifted the hem of her shirt high enough to reveal her bruised rib cage. “I threw myself at a wall then did I!?” No one spoke.

Sally watched her 13-year-old daughter standing on the stage, about to sound check for tonight. The bassist spat words at her mother fed up with every piece of shit she had thrown at her over the last few months. Gerard stood in the corner, slightly helpless towards the situation. He didn’t know these people. He’d come to meet Alice and she felt bad to argue with her mom in front of him but it was the perfect chance.

The rest of her band on the stage along side her… one teacher in the room. The only person she had left to trust and after this she thought maybe he wouldn’t see her the same way anymore.

Her mother’s mouth fell open at the bruising.

“Yeah mom… he hit me. And he is NOT moving in with us… actually no…” she said smartly. “He can. He can move in with YOU. Because I’m fucking not staying. Not at all. Straight after this I’m going to pack my stuff and you can’t stop me mom I don’t care anymore.”

“Alice you can’t do that,” Sally tried to tell her.

“Watch me… I’m sick and tired of your shit I’m getting out.”

The room stayed silent as Alice left backstage not bothering to explain the pain from her mother.

“I need you to take me home…” she said. “Alice…” he sighed. “Please.”

The man who reminded her of Gerard stood before her. A side they’d seen of each other only once before. He looked down at her, her broken eyes. She looked at him trying hard not to cry. Not from the fight or wondering where she would go… but holding back tears caused by the comfort of his own eyes on hers. “Look… I just need to get home somehow; I’ll pack my stuff and then go somewhere.” “Where?” he asked with not even a breath between her sentence and his. “I don’t know. I’ll find someone to stay with.” “Your grandma?” he asked again still not letting even a second between their words. “Shit no mom will find me there.” This time he let her at least inhale before sighing. “Hey…” she started. “I’ll find somewhere. I’ll go stay with Nikita she’s rich enough.” The man sighed again. The pair still standing in the same position backstage. It was dark behind the stage; they hadn’t bothered to flick any lights on and could hardly see each other by the light from the cracks in the two stage doors.

Alice looked away, but he pulled her face back to his. Not hard but in a way that let her know he wasn’t letting her get completely shanked out on the street on her own. His eyes gently resting on hers, only just able to make out his face expression. She took a seat on the stairs leading to the stage. He soon joined her.

“I’m not going home…”

“I know you wont I don’t expect you too either.”

She wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him everything. All about the scars on her arms, about the bruises on her ribs but she found it so hard to tell him anything, something she never figured out a reason too.

Alice rested her head on the fur on the hood of her winter jacket and looked left at him then at the floor. “If you can’t offer me anything better, I’m gonna do it by myself.” She told him. The man sat and watched her walk from the stairs. Her hand reached the knob of the door out to the floor of the hall about to turn it. “I can-” he stuttered. The bassist turned to look back up at him. “I can offer you something… but I don’t know if it’s any better.” He told her still seated at the top of the stairs. Alice opened the door about an inch and extended her hand to him, gesturing that they worry about tonight’s show and not too far into the future. Maybe for just one night it would be her fingers bleeding, and not her wrists.

Yeh so Ive posted this story once before but I just deleted it because A. i didnt post the whole story, and B Ive kinda just edited it a bit :)

Um… based on a kinda half true story and a dream.

Please note even though it mentions Gerard it’s not a fanfic ok that bit was just in the dream I had. J

The world is so fucked up.

You can’t point the finger at anyone because we’re all the fucking same. No one does wrong because apparently no one can ever do fucking right either. Everyone’s so judgmental because they’re all so fucked up. Yes. That means you. And the guy down the road. And the members of you’re favorite band. Even me. Everyone’s a fucking hypocrite and it’s starting to piss me off.

You can’t just say “oh, fuck no; I’m not emo I’m blah blah.” I mean… you can. But shit, if the whole world said shit like that, we’d ALL be fucked. Completely. Because to someone (and you can protest about this however muchly you want, I don’t care anymore) the world to them may be about how you look… to you the world may be about who YOU say you are. But you’ll try convincing them into thinking how the way you live is right. And they’ll do the same towards you. You get shitty with them. They get fucked off with you and oh hell ‘this shit just got weird’

I’m not saying there’s a ‘solution’ I’m not even saying this is the fucking problem. But you can’t just be judgmental of someone because they don’t live the same way you live life!!!! >_<

When will happiness be a fucking word in this world!?!?!?!? CORUPTION! Grrrr!

p.s can everyone just stop fucking working 9-5 jobs and get a life please…..!!!

Beat me up I’ll be on the floor,

Clumsy fuck can’t reach the door,

For everything I said to you,

And all the shit I didn’t do,

Then there’s the work I didn’t know,

All the stuff that was not shown,

All the things I got put through,

Nothing beats out what I did to you,

I was hell, how can I forget,

That’s right, I can’t my memories set,

Figure out your age,

I’ll make a bet, no need to try just try forget,

Somewhere else to go, to run too,

Do I have no one? Do I have you?

Nothing I found, I found I should,

Did the shit that wasn’t good,

Tell my tale to the world,

Forget the will I’m in a swirl,

I’m sorry that I never said,

I never tried, tried to be dead,

Wanted to tell,

What I had seen,

Just where I fell,

And where I’d been,

The lonely road, driving back to you,

Things I always swore I’d never do,

My guilty conscience, no one knows,

Fill me up, that’s the way it goes,

Some people only want one thing,

Others want more than a ring,

The page ran out,

And so have I,

I promise you,

I will not die.

Oh shizzam! I wrote this on June 28th hahaha it was dated =)

I like it and I also hate it :S it's kinda uh to go with a story I wrote, it actually has nothing to do with me but well... I guess everything's a metaphor for something else so when I think what the story was about, well I can see myself in the scene.

Tell me... did you like it?

I’m sorry if I hurt you,

We both know none of this is true,

But in the end there’s still some things I need to say to you,

Everything I’ve written,

And everything you’ve said,

All the times I missed you.

And all those things of mine you read,

Every song and every hug,

Every memory down the hold I hug,

Wish me away when I want to stay,

And kiss away what I want to say,

Say goodbye, this shining star,

You told her that she’d travel far,

Bit is it just a little bit late,

Enough for love to be a mistake?

I don't have a story for this one... just one simple word.

Goodbye.